While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
