mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just googled if crying burns calories
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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