Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
