Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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