i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
