she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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