at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
