the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
