Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
