I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize