You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
