mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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