what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
