dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
