Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
God I need to hump something, right now.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
