between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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