Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize