Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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