I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
40s are totally the cure
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
