You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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