the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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