soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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