if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
