My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
