I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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