i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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