So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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