guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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