You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
