Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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