your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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