There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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