I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
