he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
