dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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