Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize