I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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