We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's rum buckets o'clock
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
