Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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