I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
