Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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