I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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