I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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