this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
