I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
