I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize