Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
So squirting runs in the family.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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