remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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