Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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