omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
