i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
