If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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