Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Randomize
