I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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