Michael Bay diarrhea
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
