you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
