You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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