i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
