i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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