I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
