My balls are so social today.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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