OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
