He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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