If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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